Helen

As I sit here reflecting on my past and acknowledging what God has done in my life I suddenly feel very small! I am reminded of how He took a life that was broken and shattered into many pieces and slowly but surely began to rebuild it again. This time it was minus the hatred, anger, abuse, violence, manipulation and control that had ruled my childhood and instead He showed me what it was to have unconditional love and acceptance. Having experienced it, trying now to put it into words is difficult... how can I do justice to a God who works in ways that the human mind cannot begin to comprehend?

Perhaps the best way to try and describe how God brought his healing into my life is to take you on one deep release weekend I attended.

I would rather have been anywhere else than in that room. As I looked around I wondered what the other three people in my group were thinking - after all, until yesterday we were total strangers! One of my group leaders for the weekend has just asked me if I want to lie on a duvet and try and connect with whatever feelings come up. I am feeling scared and my stomach is doing somersaults! I walk over to the duvet thinking, this is nuts! What do they really think is going to happen?

The people in my group were great. it never ceases to amaze me how four strangers can come together to work on intimate issues, events and feelings they have never revealed to anyone else. Time and time again I saw God draw us together with a remarkable bond that enabled a person to step out of their own pain and hurt and reach out to another who was also suffering.

Outside of the group sessions I was struggling with so many mixed emotions I didn't know where to put myself. It came to a head in one of the teaching sessions where one of the leaders talked about the life of a baby from conception to birth and some of the difficulties and traumas that can take place even before a baby is born. She explained that God could take you back to that place and as you relive the trauma He can bring healing! I was very cynical about this and even became disruptive in the group as I tried to get my head around the fact that God could enable me to remember my time in the womb!

My childhood had been very unhappy. I had grown up in an abusive home were I was sexually abused by my father and brother. My father was an alcoholic who used physical and emotional abuse to get his own way. As a young teenager I saw myself as ugly, bad and at times evil. From early childhood I found life all too complicated and often wished I could die. My favourite saying was, 'I never asked to be born in the first place'!

But there was a part of me that did want life which fought hard to survive. Eventually things at home became too much and I was taken into care. The feelings of I don't want to live, I didn't ask to be born, became overwhelming but, although I attempted to take my own life, the fight for survival was strong enough and I didn't succeed. I continued to be plagued with a blackness however that would overwhelm me and spiral me down into the depths of a depression where I would remain for weeks at a time. When I wasn't depressed I was angry and it was this out- of-control anger that, as a young 16yr old, had seen me enter Holloway prison on what was to be one of many visits to this establishment.

After I became a Christian my life changed dramatically but the desire to die would always encompass me whenever I hit a crisis in my life. I had a lot of prayer in the early days but eventually came to the point were I knew I needed to connect with the emotions I felt, in a safe place.

Right now in this room on the Deep Release Weekend, with these people, was my safe place. The time had come to try and connect with those early years. Little did I know as I lay down on the duvet that not only was I going to connect with the trauma I had experienced in the womb but that I would begin to understand why I had never wanted to be born in the first place and why my life's goal seemed to be to try and bring my existence to an end!

As I lay down I instantaneously spiralled down into a blackness. I was gripped with fear but didn't know where I was or what was happening. I had an overwhelming desire to stop breathing and sensed that I had no identity. I continued to spiral down and I was aware of bouncing down a tunnel but could neither direct my path nor stop if I wanted to. Eventually Chris, one of the leaders, asked if I could explain what was happening. Although I could communicate what I was experiencing, I didn't really understand it. Eventually I sat back up and we discussed what had happened. Mary, the other group leader, had been the person teaching the session about revisiting trauma in the womb. She had observed my bad reaction to the session and wondered if maybe I had been experiencing my time in the womb during the session. I refused to believe this, and as we talked Chris went and got a book which showed pictures of the journey of the egg through to conception and birth. As I looked at one of the pictures I knew instinctively where I had been.
"That's where I was!"
As I said it I re-looked at the diagram and then at Chris and Mary. "That can't be right", I said as it slowly dawned on me that I had been where the egg journeyed alone before meeting the sperm. We looked at each other and Chris and Mary gently encouraged me to allow my feelings to come up. My scepticism was on high alert but I couldn't deny what I had felt. I knew that I had no identity and I also had a sense of impending doom which was about to befall me. I lay down again, and sure enough, when I continued the journey to the time where the egg and sperm met, this was not a joyous occasion. I had a overwhelming sense that I hadn't wanted to be in the first place, and now I could do nothing to stop the process. I became aware of being in the womb and I instinctively knew that I needed to implant in the womb, but I was fighting the process. I didn't want to be there.

As my life in the womb continued I became aware of my mother's stress communicating to me through the umbilical cord. She was in pain. There was a sense of helplessness, hopelessness and despair coming through which enveloped my whole sense of being. I didn't want to be born but what could I do? This was a process that I had to go through and my mother's fear continued to engulf me. I had an immense sense of loneliness at this point and longed not to be here on my own.

Unknown to me over two hours had passed! As I ventured through my journey, the leaders asked the other group members if they wanted to leave but they chose to stay and continued to pray for me throughout the time!

I eventually came to the point were I would be born. At this point I knew I could go no further. The pain was so great and the feelings I had experienced had been totally overwhelming. I eventually came back into the adult world and it was then that Chris Mary and the group reached out to me. Chris had said that he was desperate to rescue me in my pain but knew he couldn't. I'm glad he didn't; I needed to experience that place of loneliness and the desperate sense of hopelessness.

I now understood how what happened then had so affected the course of my life. Chris and Mary spent some time praying for me and as I reached out to God He began to fill that emptiness with His love. A real sense of belonging came over me which even now I can't really explain. The pain had gone and instead I was filled with a tremendous sense of well-being. I was to go through the birth experience at a later date but that's another story!

At the end of the day although I remained sceptical and had many unanswered questions, neither I nor my friends could explain the dramatic change that took place after that experience. From that day on, no matter what crisis I have hit in my life I have never once thought of wanting to die. On arriving home after the weekend I woke up on the Monday morning jumped out of bed and thought, man, it is so good to be alive! I went from feeling life is something you have to endure to wanting to live my life to the full. I couldn't cram enough things into my day! Everything became a new experience! As Jesus said I want to give you life in all its abundance!

Helen Jones

Rebecca

I had already come a long way on my healing journey before I attended my first Deep Release Weekend. I'd received some excellent secular psychotherapy and Christian prayer ministry for abuse in my early teens, but I was still stuck. I knew that the things that had happened to me in the past had badly affected me. I had been over them again and again with counsellors and wise prayer partners and, although I had received partial healing, I still wasn't free. My life, work and relationships weren't working.

God had revealed to me in a number of different ways that my parents had tried to abort me a few weeks after I had been conceived. At a Christian Healing Conference this early trauma had manifested and been ministered to, but things hadn't been dealt with fully. I was intellectually aware that there may still be issues in this area but I wasn't in touch with them.

I felt frustrated. I wanted to get on with my life and I couldn't. God had shown me the damage done to my soul and it was just sitting there. I kept praying to God for more healing, not knowing how or from where this extra healing might come, but I knew I needed more help.

I was working in another Christian ministry setting when some Deep Release leaflets were being passed around. I felt intuitive that this kind of work (whatever it was), together with the Holy Spirit, might be able to help me as deeply and intensively as I needed. I arranged to go on my first 'Introduction to Deep Release' training Weekend and I rang Pauline to introduce myself to her personally before the course began. I told her that God had shown me I was an abortion survivor and I wondered if the material covered on the training weekend might be too traumatic for me. Pauline said she would see me for a one-to-one session beforehand. I was so yearning and ready to receive help, and I felt so safe, my first 'deep release' session was very powerful. I left knowing there would be more help coming, even for the deep, wordless pain and problems I knew I struggled with but couldn't find a language for.

To date I have attended three Deep Release Weekends. Unlike some people who talk of their fears about whether or not the place and people would be safe, for me it was more about would God show up with the power I needed? And He did, and He has, on each of the weekends. I found myself saying 'Awesome!' - awesome for me personally, and awesome to watch the healing that took place for the other members of my group.

What seems to happen for me, and for the others in my groups, is that we were not dealing intellectually with the issues, but with the real, raw emotion which we were able to get in touch with. And so it was those raw emotions which were able to be healed.

People who know me, many who are not Christians, are intrigued by the changes in me. I am much more fearless, confident and free to be myself. I am much less angry and more peaceful and relaxed. After a year of individual Deep Release therapy, twice a month, plus the three Deep Release weekends, I actually feel different inside. I have more work to do, but considering I've lived with these terrible feelings for several decades, I find the speed with which things are being dealt with is... well, as I keep saying... Awesome!

Rebecca Olay

Rebecca is an administrator and she lives in London.